missing you comes in waves. tonight, i'm drowning.

"just move on," they say. don't you love that? just move on. they make it sound so easy. but it's not.

i think i always figured i'd know when it was time to move on and let someone go. i thought i'd feel really good about it and just pick up and head out. nobody warns you for what it's really like. it's a constant uphill battle.

staying away after choosing to walk away is the hardest. it's like quitting an addiction. it's saying 'no' over and over again every single day until you've finally, actually, moved on. it's trying to stay away from every chance of a relapse. it's seeing their name light up on your phone and feeling a mix of butterflies in your stomach and a lump in your throat. it feels good to be thought of and missed but you feel anger towards the person for making it even harder to stay away. it's seeing that green checkmark next to their name on skype and wrestling your own fingers to avoid hitting the call button. it's laying in bed at night and not knowing who to text about your day because, for so long, they were the go-to person that you shared everything with.

i wish things were a little more black and white. i wish i could know for certain that there was no way a person could fit into my life. i wish i could know that there was nothing else they could contribute to my life. and i wish i could know for certain when a person could fit into my life. but it's not so black and white. it's gray. and the gray area kills. it's filled with maybes and what-ifs. it's filled with efforts, letdowns, and momentary satisfactions that are never fulfilling. and i know i'm not the only one that puts myself through the struggle.

i think humans are just predisposed to keep trying. we're told from such a young age to never give up. we are encouraged to continue going after what we want. never let a good thing pass us by. work for it and the reward will be worth it. don't be a loser, be a winner. is that not what we've been taught?

admitting defeat isn't easy for us. letting go isn't usually what we want to do. but sometimes it's necessary. it's important to realize when someone is taking away from our lives more than they are contributing to it. it's a valuable lesson to learn, i guess. i think it means we value our own well-being over not being alone.

all my love,
E

knock, knock, you about to get shell shocked

i borrowed my best friend's little sister today. she's always up for being my model. i love it. she's gorgeous, funny, and, ahem, crazy. she's always doing something that makes you go, "oh, no. did you really?" like when she sends out selfies from your phone or when she calls your coworkers "accidentally." or when she tries to blast 'shell shocked' in the car on the way to the lake. she's lucky she's beautiful and is hopefully helping me pass this next assignment : )
check it out.

thanks, girly. you're the best.

all my love,
E

an almost-something

remember cute coach? the theo james clone i talked about earlier?

his little heart is breaking over a girl...we'll call her norway, for no reason in particular. though, he'd probably rather me refer to her as his norwegian, or his princess or, ya know, his norwegian princess. but we're not going to do that here. sorry, punk.

anyway, norway stole his heart. actually, i'm pretty sure he freely gave it away as people do when they 'bet all their chips in one hand' so to speak. it happens. you can't win every round. you take risks. and sometimes you lose. 

he says to me, "this is a terrible feeling." yeah, i know. i'm well versed in it, thank you very much. many of us are.

it's that feeling after losing something that you thought was going to be a real big something and ended up being a real big nothing. it was an almost-something. and losing an almost-something hurts nearly as much as losing an official-something.

it hurts to have someone run off on you when you've just decided to commit yourself fully to them. you go all-in and the other person takes off with your heart before taking that chance themselves. and as they go down their decided path, your heart follows in suit. you can't even be mad, because, hey, they never asked for your heart & they never asked for the commitment.

you're left to speculate on your own as to where you went wrong. and, because the other person isn't around much to answer your questions, you're left to decide for yourself what you could have done better or what was wrong with you. because you're human and, therefore, naturally hard on yourself, you think you're to blame for everything. but that's not the case. there were two people present. both of you had actions. both of you had decisions. you're only responsible for your own. rationalizing what you did against what someone else did is useless. 

but you're left remembering how sweet, charming, and perfect they were. it's stuck in your head and it's not coming out. i think it's harder coming out of an almost-something at this point because you weren't even together long enough to pick up on the other person's flaws. you can't be all, "oh, thank goodness i don't have to pick up his shoes scattered about the house anymore." because you don't even know if he leaves his shoes scattered about the house ever. you only know of the traits and habits they wanted you to know at this point. the beginning point. where everyone seems perfect. even if the person snores. somehow you think it's cute to hear the guy snoring next to you. it's almost reassuring to wake up and hear such an obnoxious noise 'cause, hey, you're not alone. not tonight. you know it and the people in the apartment next to you know it. i'm not even sure when the snoring stops being cute. is it bad that i've never gotten to that point?

then there's your friends. they have no idea what's going on so the questions come randomly. "what's up with you two? are you two official yet? what's the juice?" they can't even keep up with how on again and off again the relationship seems to be so they let you do your thing and wait. when it all comes crashing down, they don't even know what to say. i mean, after all, you two weren't together. it's not like you just added another name to your list of exes. though, you should be able to. it feels like an ex. an ex-something. because there was something there. 

thank goodness for best friends though. smiley face emoticon. they'll tell you that if the other person knew a good thing when they saw it, they'd have stuck around. they'll tell you that it's just as well that the other person is out of your life. you deserve better. full commitment. and i like hearing that, because that's exactly what every person deserves.

everyone has had an almost-something at some point in their life story. if not, they're coming. i'm pretty sure my share of them hasn't come to an end yet. i don't know why we fall into the trap. i'm convinced it's because, deep down, we're optimists and the idea of being in love and living happily ever after is too great to pass up. everybody wants to know what it's like to be a person's first priority. they want to be loved unconditionally. and when given an inch of affection, some of us will take it with a mile of hope. 

all my love,

E