be ready

you're the girl that walks around ignoring all the faces around you. you're the girl who clams up to anyone trying to get to know you because you haven't seen the point in opening up to anyone. you don't believe people stay. you don't believe in these magical happy endings. you're far from a believer in soul mates or that one true love.

people tell you you'll someday change your mind.

and you will. 

because someday someone is going to walk into your life and tell you stories of his own, begging to hear yours. someone is going to bombard your phone with texts and calls just to say hello and see how you are doing. he's going to make you laugh and roll your eyes at his cheesy lines. you'll find a new appreciation for those catchy love songs on the radio and for those sweet lines in romantic movies. you'll be excited to have someone that actually cares about your nonsensical late-night thoughts. they'll push you to do your best at work and encourage you to continue on with your dreams even if they're far different from their own. you're going to believe every word they say because you can see in their eyes that they mean them. & you'll start to fall. hard.

time will pass and you will realize you don't want to lose this person. you want them to stay. and, better yet, they want to stay. you no longer have to worry about rejections because all you will receive is acceptance. 

they'll change turn everything you thought you knew upside down. they'll teach you so much about love, life & happiness. be ready.

it's perfect.

all my love,
E

laughing 'til we cry

let's rewind to april of 2011.

my mom was dropping me off for my first semester of college. of course, my best friend was in tow. great times were had. lots of fro-yo, apartment shopping, catan, corndogs, mall hopping, food in general, laughing, hotel shenanigans, judging rexburg, etc. but, in the back of my head was the thought that i wasn't going home with my momma bear. it was a thought that snuck to the surface of my mind occasionally throughout the week but was pushed back to where i needed it to be as soon as i felt it coming. i didn't want to let the feelings show.

the day came for momma to leave and i still wasn't letting myself feel bad about it. we decided to go to lunch before she and amanda left. i remember exactly what i ordered. taco salad. i remember i was staring at the sliced olives on top when my mom said something funny. i laughed. i laughed hard. i laughed so hard there were tears. then i realized i wasn't laughing anymore. i was sobbing. it was like i let so much of a feeling out of its box that they all decided they had to come out together or they'd never get another chance. i was a mess.

that had never happened to me before. and i'll never forget it. it was the first time i cried in public (not counting the baby years) and it was the first time all of those repressed feelings came surging up demanding to be felt at once. it was the first time i felt the flood gates burst open.

now let's fast forward into 2015.

you'd think i would have learned that feelings cannot be left unfelt. but i didn't. they still pile up in that place i send them & a lot has piled up in that place over this past year. a lot. i knew the feelings would need to come out eventually but i've been waving them off not wanting to deal.

then came june.

i had an orthodontist appointment to get an expander put in my mouth. there is no longer room for my own tongue in there. this makes talking near impossible. nobody understands what i'm trying to say when i talk. it's embarrassing.

after my appointment, my mom and i were talking in the car when i tried telling her about something that i had seen on instagram. instagram. do you know how hard of a word that is to say when there isn't room in your mouth to say it? hard. my mom asked me to repeat what i had said twice before we just started laughing over my pathetic efforts. we laughed hard. too hard.

and the tears started pouring. again. only this time i let it happen. i didn't try to stop it. i knew too much had built up over this past year, the past week really, to even try to stop it. the flood gates were opened and i wasn't going to try and shut them. i needed this.

i cried because i can't go home.
i cried because i miss the crickets and fireflies.
i cried for the family i lost.
i cried because i bit off more than i could chew.
i cried over the confusion.
i cried for the guy who said he wouldn't hurt me.
i cried for all of the broken promises.
i cried because my grandmother doesn't remember who i am.
i cried because of my selfishness.
i cried out of the guilt for the pain i caused others with my own reckless decisions.

"em. stop crying. the gate guard is going to think you're crazy."

all my love,
E

zugzwang

"stop being weird. stop. stop. stop."
"are you jumping up and down screaming stop?"
"possibly. would it help?"
"maybe a tad."

i tried pushing theo out of my life a little bit. he went off and got himself into one of those relationship things by way of chocolate covered strawberries. i didn't see how we could still be us while that's going down. the best friends us. the no worries us. the no boundaries us. the only us i've known.

you know, the talking well past midnight about pointless matters just to talk. teasing each other because one is too cocky and the other a tad blonde. spinning around until i'm too dizzy to stand. pinky promise? pinky promise. hey your mom still owes me a home-cooked meal. loungy clothes and netflix. blaming each other for the horrible netflix choice (for the record, that pointless, horrible movie was his fault). blanket and pillow fights. really good hugs. the ones that blanket you in comfort. the let-me-come-over-because-life-just-got-really-confusing-for-a-second nights. and sometimes just swallowing feelings because talking is too hard. and letting me rest my head on his chest because it feels safe. and realizing how slow his heartbeat really is. just like he said. and falling asleep listening to its beat.

he says we can still be us. with lines. but that's not us. he says we can still have our talks, the smiles and hugs. but the hugs are weaker and the conversations are different. everything is wary.

i thought i'd try to distance myself from him before he had a chance to disappear altogether. i thought if i was the one who took him out of my life, it wouldn't hurt as bad. as if it were somehow my choice - something i wanted. but, eventually, i think it may hurt either way.

zugzwang.

"i would never hurt you. and i won't be cool with you cutting me out."
"i don't want to cut you out. i don't want to get hurt."
"well you're doing the former."
"because i don't want the latter."

even so, i've failed in all my attempts to push him away. kind of like he said i would. acting aloof isn't my forte. but, in all honestly, i don't want to lose this kid so i'm not sure i mind that i'm failing. and i kind of like that he's fighting to stay. he makes life a little better and who am i to act like that doesn't mean something to me.

"goodnight em."
"i'm sorry. goodnight t."

all my love,
E

missing you comes in waves. tonight, i'm drowning.

"just move on," they say. don't you love that? just move on. they make it sound so easy. but it's not.

i think i always figured i'd know when it was time to move on and let someone go. i thought i'd feel really good about it and just pick up and head out. nobody warns you for what it's really like. it's a constant uphill battle.

staying away after choosing to walk away is the hardest. it's like quitting an addiction. it's saying 'no' over and over again every single day until you've finally, actually, moved on. it's trying to stay away from every chance of a relapse. it's seeing their name light up on your phone and feeling a mix of butterflies in your stomach and a lump in your throat. it feels good to be thought of and missed but you feel anger towards the person for making it even harder to stay away. it's seeing that green checkmark next to their name on skype and wrestling your own fingers to avoid hitting the call button. it's laying in bed at night and not knowing who to text about your day because, for so long, they were the go-to person that you shared everything with.

i wish things were a little more black and white. i wish i could know for certain that there was no way a person could fit into my life. i wish i could know that there was nothing else they could contribute to my life. and i wish i could know for certain when a person could fit into my life. but it's not so black and white. it's gray. and the gray area kills. it's filled with maybes and what-ifs. it's filled with efforts, letdowns, and momentary satisfactions that are never fulfilling. and i know i'm not the only one that puts myself through the struggle.

i think humans are just predisposed to keep trying. we're told from such a young age to never give up. we are encouraged to continue going after what we want. never let a good thing pass us by. work for it and the reward will be worth it. don't be a loser, be a winner. is that not what we've been taught?

admitting defeat isn't easy for us. letting go isn't usually what we want to do. but sometimes it's necessary. it's important to realize when someone is taking away from our lives more than they are contributing to it. it's a valuable lesson to learn, i guess. i think it means we value our own well-being over not being alone.

all my love,
E

an almost-something

remember cute coach? the theo james clone i talked about earlier?

his little heart is breaking over a girl...we'll call her norway, for no reason in particular. though, he'd probably rather me refer to her as his norwegian, or his princess or, ya know, his norwegian princess. but we're not going to do that here. sorry, punk.

anyway, norway stole his heart. actually, i'm pretty sure he freely gave it away as people do when they 'bet all their chips in one hand' so to speak. it happens. you can't win every round. you take risks. and sometimes you lose. 

he says to me, "this is a terrible feeling." yeah, i know. i'm well versed in it, thank you very much. many of us are.

it's that feeling after losing something that you thought was going to be a real big something and ended up being a real big nothing. it was an almost-something. and losing an almost-something hurts nearly as much as losing an official-something.

it hurts to have someone run off on you when you've just decided to commit yourself fully to them. you go all-in and the other person takes off with your heart before taking that chance themselves. and as they go down their decided path, your heart follows in suit. you can't even be mad, because, hey, they never asked for your heart & they never asked for the commitment.

you're left to speculate on your own as to where you went wrong. and, because the other person isn't around much to answer your questions, you're left to decide for yourself what you could have done better or what was wrong with you. because you're human and, therefore, naturally hard on yourself, you think you're to blame for everything. but that's not the case. there were two people present. both of you had actions. both of you had decisions. you're only responsible for your own. rationalizing what you did against what someone else did is useless. 

but you're left remembering how sweet, charming, and perfect they were. it's stuck in your head and it's not coming out. i think it's harder coming out of an almost-something at this point because you weren't even together long enough to pick up on the other person's flaws. you can't be all, "oh, thank goodness i don't have to pick up his shoes scattered about the house anymore." because you don't even know if he leaves his shoes scattered about the house ever. you only know of the traits and habits they wanted you to know at this point. the beginning point. where everyone seems perfect. even if the person snores. somehow you think it's cute to hear the guy snoring next to you. it's almost reassuring to wake up and hear such an obnoxious noise 'cause, hey, you're not alone. not tonight. you know it and the people in the apartment next to you know it. i'm not even sure when the snoring stops being cute. is it bad that i've never gotten to that point?

then there's your friends. they have no idea what's going on so the questions come randomly. "what's up with you two? are you two official yet? what's the juice?" they can't even keep up with how on again and off again the relationship seems to be so they let you do your thing and wait. when it all comes crashing down, they don't even know what to say. i mean, after all, you two weren't together. it's not like you just added another name to your list of exes. though, you should be able to. it feels like an ex. an ex-something. because there was something there. 

thank goodness for best friends though. smiley face emoticon. they'll tell you that if the other person knew a good thing when they saw it, they'd have stuck around. they'll tell you that it's just as well that the other person is out of your life. you deserve better. full commitment. and i like hearing that, because that's exactly what every person deserves.

everyone has had an almost-something at some point in their life story. if not, they're coming. i'm pretty sure my share of them hasn't come to an end yet. i don't know why we fall into the trap. i'm convinced it's because, deep down, we're optimists and the idea of being in love and living happily ever after is too great to pass up. everybody wants to know what it's like to be a person's first priority. they want to be loved unconditionally. and when given an inch of affection, some of us will take it with a mile of hope. 

all my love,

E

guy talk

working at a youth sports program has its perks. my hours allow me to sleep in almost every morning. i get paid to play soccer every afternoon. i don't have to say "credit or debit" anymore. it's wonderful.

and some of our coaches are pretty cute. and by cute i mean hot. it took me a good two weeks to even speak a word to one of them. even then i couldn't look him in the eye. even still.

"just talk to him. he's just a person." -friend
"uhm, no. he's not. he's gorgeous. too gorgeous to talk to." -me
"stop being dramatic." -friend
"i'm not being dramatic. you need to come see this." -me
"it's like you're 15 again." -friend
"no. it's like theo james just walked out of a tv screen and got lost so now he's coaching one of our football teams." -me
"oh, boy." -friend
"more like oh, man." -me

fast forward two months later. cute coach finds it funny i spent a month not being able to look at his face and i find myself driving out to the east football field to get some papers signed by his coaching team. any excuse to get out of the office, right? papers get signed (and also dropped in a puddle, whoops) and then i stick around because, helllooo, why would i leave?

everyone clears out except me, duh, and two of the coaches. the conversations that took place at this point were just amusing. i never knew guys had their own version of girl talk. maybe they don't know it either but they do.

i listened to them talk about birth control. and how it takes forever to wear off (or so they think). and how girls want to test myths about certain races and certain sizes, if ya catch my drift. they even talked about cooking. cooking chocolate bread. clothes were discussed. and how you need to tell girls when you love them. or something like that. i only half listened at that point because there was a girl learning stick shift in the parking lot and my car was right in the line of fire.

anyway. it's just stuff i thought only girls talked about together. i don't know why it amazes me that guys talk about this stuff with each other. like really. birth control. my mind is blown. i just always assumed that guys stuck to the usual "hey, did you catch the game last night? yeah, so and so threw the ball to blah blah blah and crossed that white line thing. it was freakin' awesome, man." but maybe not.

i'm still not over it.

all my love,
E.