zugzwang

"stop being weird. stop. stop. stop."
"are you jumping up and down screaming stop?"
"possibly. would it help?"
"maybe a tad."

i tried pushing theo out of my life a little bit. he went off and got himself into one of those relationship things by way of chocolate covered strawberries. i didn't see how we could still be us while that's going down. the best friends us. the no worries us. the no boundaries us. the only us i've known.

you know, the talking well past midnight about pointless matters just to talk. teasing each other because one is too cocky and the other a tad blonde. spinning around until i'm too dizzy to stand. pinky promise? pinky promise. hey your mom still owes me a home-cooked meal. loungy clothes and netflix. blaming each other for the horrible netflix choice (for the record, that pointless, horrible movie was his fault). blanket and pillow fights. really good hugs. the ones that blanket you in comfort. the let-me-come-over-because-life-just-got-really-confusing-for-a-second nights. and sometimes just swallowing feelings because talking is too hard. and letting me rest my head on his chest because it feels safe. and realizing how slow his heartbeat really is. just like he said. and falling asleep listening to its beat.

he says we can still be us. with lines. but that's not us. he says we can still have our talks, the smiles and hugs. but the hugs are weaker and the conversations are different. everything is wary.

i thought i'd try to distance myself from him before he had a chance to disappear altogether. i thought if i was the one who took him out of my life, it wouldn't hurt as bad. as if it were somehow my choice - something i wanted. but, eventually, i think it may hurt either way.

zugzwang.

"i would never hurt you. and i won't be cool with you cutting me out."
"i don't want to cut you out. i don't want to get hurt."
"well you're doing the former."
"because i don't want the latter."

even so, i've failed in all my attempts to push him away. kind of like he said i would. acting aloof isn't my forte. but, in all honestly, i don't want to lose this kid so i'm not sure i mind that i'm failing. and i kind of like that he's fighting to stay. he makes life a little better and who am i to act like that doesn't mean something to me.

"goodnight em."
"i'm sorry. goodnight t."

all my love,
E