laughing 'til we cry

let's rewind to april of 2011.

my mom was dropping me off for my first semester of college. of course, my best friend was in tow. great times were had. lots of fro-yo, apartment shopping, catan, corndogs, mall hopping, food in general, laughing, hotel shenanigans, judging rexburg, etc. but, in the back of my head was the thought that i wasn't going home with my momma bear. it was a thought that snuck to the surface of my mind occasionally throughout the week but was pushed back to where i needed it to be as soon as i felt it coming. i didn't want to let the feelings show.

the day came for momma to leave and i still wasn't letting myself feel bad about it. we decided to go to lunch before she and amanda left. i remember exactly what i ordered. taco salad. i remember i was staring at the sliced olives on top when my mom said something funny. i laughed. i laughed hard. i laughed so hard there were tears. then i realized i wasn't laughing anymore. i was sobbing. it was like i let so much of a feeling out of its box that they all decided they had to come out together or they'd never get another chance. i was a mess.

that had never happened to me before. and i'll never forget it. it was the first time i cried in public (not counting the baby years) and it was the first time all of those repressed feelings came surging up demanding to be felt at once. it was the first time i felt the flood gates burst open.

now let's fast forward into 2015.

you'd think i would have learned that feelings cannot be left unfelt. but i didn't. they still pile up in that place i send them & a lot has piled up in that place over this past year. a lot. i knew the feelings would need to come out eventually but i've been waving them off not wanting to deal.

then came june.

i had an orthodontist appointment to get an expander put in my mouth. there is no longer room for my own tongue in there. this makes talking near impossible. nobody understands what i'm trying to say when i talk. it's embarrassing.

after my appointment, my mom and i were talking in the car when i tried telling her about something that i had seen on instagram. instagram. do you know how hard of a word that is to say when there isn't room in your mouth to say it? hard. my mom asked me to repeat what i had said twice before we just started laughing over my pathetic efforts. we laughed hard. too hard.

and the tears started pouring. again. only this time i let it happen. i didn't try to stop it. i knew too much had built up over this past year, the past week really, to even try to stop it. the flood gates were opened and i wasn't going to try and shut them. i needed this.

i cried because i can't go home.
i cried because i miss the crickets and fireflies.
i cried for the family i lost.
i cried because i bit off more than i could chew.
i cried over the confusion.
i cried for the guy who said he wouldn't hurt me.
i cried for all of the broken promises.
i cried because my grandmother doesn't remember who i am.
i cried because of my selfishness.
i cried out of the guilt for the pain i caused others with my own reckless decisions.

"em. stop crying. the gate guard is going to think you're crazy."

all my love,
E